Wednesday, January 21, 2009

T. P. Time

Decorative- Serving to decorate or embellish; ornamental.

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award
goes to: toilet paper!

Yes, this is clearly the high point of today's decorating ornaments. Toilet paper is great for surprising your friends by ringing their doorbell early in the morning, hiding, and having them stumble out into a yard covered by the thin bathroom necessity. Isn't that always a fun thing to wake up to?

Not only is toilet paper great for... well... toilet papering someone's house, but just look at the designs on many of today's popular brands! Let's explore this item further.

I take you on a journey, to the hidden depths of my house's very own bathroom under the stairs. Quite like Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs. Except... you know... its a bathroom.

On the right side wall as we enter this tiny room, we spot what we are looking for. There before us stands the most decorative of all decorations: a toilet paper roll.

Oh, yes! Ignore the cinnamon scented pine cones in the basket by the door. The colorful tissue holder matters none to us. The flowers in matching baskets are garbage compared to this exquisite cylinder of tissue-y paper. We swoop down low to get a closer look.

Ah! Look at the intricate detail! Delicately traced in the toilet paper are beautiful images of flowers and hearts, bordered by extraordinarily wavy lines. Our eyes follow the carefully designed patterns: flower, wavy line,heart, wavy line, flower, wavy line, heart,etc. Oh, the majesty of it!

...OK, I think you get the point. If you didn't understand the concept of my sarcasm throughout that entire thing, you better go reread it. Seriously, WHY do they put designs on toilet paper? Huh? Who ACTUALLY looks at it, other than insane bloggers trying desperately to find something to rant about? You use it, you flush it, you occasionally squash a bug with it. I don't think you, the toilet, OR the dead bugs are terribly concerned with whether or not there are roses on your/their toilet paper.

The Great Toilet Paper Debacle
Woman: Excuse me! EXCUSE ME, sir! I need to return this toilet paper right away!
Sales Dude: Why, whatever is wrong with it?
Woman: Well, isn't it obvious? Look closer, and tell me WHY you are selling this horror here!

Sales dude peers closer at the toilet paper.

Sales Dude: GASP! There are no roses on this toilet paper!

Woman: I know! What is the meaning of this?
Sales Dude: I...I...I don't know! I will report this to the manager right away!
Woman: Then take these. I am coming, too, and I can't carry them all.

Woman hands some un-designed toilet paper rolls to the sales dude, who then tosses them around like hot potatoes.


Sales Dude: Mr. Manager! Mr. Manager, sir!
Mr. Manager: What is it...

Mr. Manager squints at the sales dude's name tag.

Mr. Manager: ...Eugene?

Eugene: This woman bought some toilet paper that had NO ROSES ON IT!!!

Mr. Manager breathes in sharply, then faints on the floor. The woman and Eugene stare blankly at him for two seconds, then drop the apparently toxic toilet paper and run around in circles while screaming at the tops of their lungs. The entire Earth then collapses.

THE END (literally).

It can be rather scary when I get started on dialog, can't it? So, who would you be in this situation? The woman, who was merely a victim in this debacle? Eugene, who was that faithful, dorky, sidekick type, like Ron Weasley or Riley from National Treasure, who tries to fix everything but generally fails? Or maybe the mysterious Mr. Manager, the character who seems all powerful until he is actually faced with a real challenge? I myself think I would be Eugene. But it doesn't matter. Know why? BECAUSE THE WORLD WILL NOT END BECAUSE OF UN-DESIGNED TOILET PAPER.
And that is the moral of my story.

The Great Blogzini predicts: You will see a moving shadow in an alley, become frightened, and scream in the middle of a bustling street. You will then become embarrassed as you realize the shadow was a cat.

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