Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Debate of the Century... or at least of the Holidays

Debate- a discussion, as of a public question in an assembly, involving opposing viewpoints.

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award
goes to: presents!!!

Yes, its the holiday season, and that means its time for making horribly decorated gingerbread houses, turning the heater up to 100 degrees, and trying not to get trampled in the mall by restless parents eager to buy Elmo Live for their four year old children.

But what generally comes to most people's minds at this time is, of course, the presents they are about to receive. Some people start making their lists in September; others wait until their relatives who have to ship things from other states are constantly sending them reminders on Facebook. (Who, me? Of course not.) And there are long lines of little kids at every public mailbox, shoving letters to Santa through that small metal slot. But no matter when you make your list, or who you send it to, everyone is asking the same age-old question: Are bigger or smaller presents better?

All of the commercials that I have seen (yes, I guess I DO tend to talk about commercials a lot) advertise that smaller is better; after all, one certain box may be the tiniest one in your pile, but inside it could be the biggest diamond you have ever seen. And everyone knows that every kiss begins with Kay, er, K.

But I am sure those people who receive a new car for the holidays would argue differently. I mean, a diamond may be worth a lot, but so is a car, and those are more useful. And what about those who get trampolines (lucky ducks) or new bikes? Do they like their presents better than those who get a Nintendo DS, or a newborn puppy? You can see the dilemma. Why, its a more pressing matter than whether the chicken or the egg came first!

Me? I simply chuckle at this question, because I happen to take a third opinion: Who cares? They're still presents, big or small, right? You can get really terrible big presents, like a pet boulder, just like you can get a really terrible small present, like a dust mite. Or you can get one of the many wonderful, differently sized presents listed above. So, if any of you readers out there are can't decide whether to get someone an elephant or a fancy new pair of shoes they really want for the holidays, take my advice: Don't involve size in your decision. They would OBVIOUSLY like the elephant more.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Stupid Laptop...

Turmoil- a state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance; tumult; agitation; disquiet.

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award
goes to: slow computers that are badly advertised!

I was debating giving the Award to my own mind today; after all, it is currently in a state of great turmoil. But after a huge debate with myself, I decided to proudly present the award to the CAUSE of such disturbance: the stupid Mac laptop I am typing this on as we speak.

Alright, let me clear up the whole "badly advertised" thing. I honestly love the Mac vs. PC commercials. Especially those new Christmas ones. You know, where PC drops a snowman's head on a talking rabbit? No? Look it up on YouTube. Anyway, yeah, all the good stuff they say in those commercials is true, NORMALLY. But Apple conveniently forgets to mention all the bad stuff about its computers, like how there is no right clicker!!!!!! This bothers me to no end. How in the world am I supposed to copy and paste?

... Oh. Well, pressing those buttons is much harder than doing the clicking thing! And it isn't even like normal computers; you have to use the Apple button instead of Central! WHO WOULD KNOW THAT? It's NOT common sense! (If you currently have no idea what I am ranting about, just play some elevator music- this will all be over shortly.)

And now this: this laptop I am currently using is a total gyp. Oh, it LOOKS pretty, what with its fancy green cover and clean black keyboard; but once you turn it on, all the flashiness goes away the second you realize that it is the SLOWEST COMPUTER ON EARTH. I am not kidding! I have never, ever used a slower computer. A tortoise moves faster than this thing! We have a laptop at my house, not a Mac, that we call the Dinosaur, because it is so old and outdated and slow. But even the Dinosaur is faster than this! I have been online for over an hour, and I still have not checked my email, because this stupid thing DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATE COMCAST MESSAGE CENTER!!!

I am rather fed up at this point. Apple is so overrated. PC can have my business. I don't know about you crazy kiddos, but I prefer a computer that has a right clicker...oh yeah, and an actual operating service connection. But that's asking for too much these days, now, isn't it?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Oooooh...Magic Cookies....

Teleportation- to transport an object by telekinesis.

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award goes to: The alien cookies that are slowly eating my brain.

I love when wonderful things you don't expect happen. Like receiving a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast in the morning. I mean, who can go wrong with chocolate chip cookies?!?!?!?! But I don't think I have ever seen one that could teleport before.

That is right. I believe I have stumbled upon the greatest scientific discovery since sliced bread. For this morning, as I sat trying to think of some random thing to blog about, I looked to my left. And there, to my astonishment, was a chocolate chip cookie, sitting smack-dab in the center of the table.

Now, my father claims to have put the cookie there while I was zoned out, and that I just didn't notice. But I do not think my senses of observation are so totally useless, and therefore believe that something worthy of its own science fiction storyline is coming to Earth.

Prepare yourselves, readers; what I am about to tell you is classified, and of the utmost importance. It is my theory that our home planet is being taken over by (gulp) TELEPORTING COOKIES!!! There is no other explanation. Cookies do not randomly pop out of nowhere, especially not at breakfast time, unless they are possessed by alien life forms! It just occurred to me that, despite the odd circumstances surrounding it, I ATE that mysterious cookie this morning. What does this mean? Am I slowly being taken over by the alien life form? GASP! Maybe that is the plan all along! These teleporting cookies come into our homes, looking chocolate-y and delicious, so we eat them, and they take over our minds!


My father's mind must already be taken over! That's why he tried to cover it up!

Beware readers: I warned you from the start this blog would be random.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Holiday Makeover

Style- a mode of fashion, as in dress, especially good or approved fashion.

Everyone knows the famous outfit Santa puts on once a year around this time: his big red jacket that looks ever so warm (where can I get one?), his matching red felt pants, held up by a big black buckle, the boots he wears for treading around in all different countries...and of course, the classic hat, known to all Christmas celebrators simply as "The Santa Hat".

But this year, it seems Santa is getting a makeover. I have seen two examples of this- the first one is those stupid commercials for some new phone that's out. They say the "Santa has gone metro" and he has this new phone and is so cool with it in his hand all the time...which is a grand idea and all, making Saint Nick "hip with the kids" (oh my goodness, who even uses the word hip in that context anymore?), but not likely to be successful considering the other twist they added to it- THEY MADE SANTA SKINNY!!! Yes, that's right, folks, I believe this can be considered an actual crime. Not only that, but he also has puffy, platinum blond hair and no beard. Have any of you seen the Twilight movie lately? Yes? Think Jasper, and you get the idea.

Sorry, whatever phone company you are. You don't make the fat man skinny and get away with it.

The second example of Santa's recent change in wardrobe is the hat. Today, I literally saw about twenty different Santa hats while I was out and about. Of course, some people stuck to the classic red hat with the white ball at the end. But what really caught my eye were the sequin-y silver ones, or the bright purple ones, or (and this is my personal favorite one) the camouflage ones!!! I guess the general public thought Santa needed a new look. It's like a grand, Chrismas, everyone-add-your-opinion edition of What Not to Wear! I support this movement greatly. I love the traditional outfit of the arctic present-giver, but c'mon; where can you go wrong with camo and sequins?

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award goes to: Mr. Santa Claus!!!

(Oh, yes. The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award is a new feature I have decided to add to my posts. In case you haven't noticed, and I truly hope you have, on every entry I have a definition at the beginning of the blog. The Walking Dictionary's Defintion of the Day Award will be given to whoever or whatever the definition suits best at the time of the post. Got it? Good.)

Excuse me, I have to go design my own new look for Santa. I am thinking maybe I will Bedazzle his name into his hat, as someone did to their wedding dress on an episode of My Big Redneck Wedding recently. Yay, fake gems!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Canes of Candy

Candy Cane- A usually striped stick of peppermint candy with the top curved to resemble a walking cane.

I would like to point out the word STICK in that definition. Because today, I saw something that apparently had only one goal in its small-ish existence: to completely and utterly remake the meaning of that holiday treat so many enjoy.

I have one question for you: WHY is everything so huge lately?!?!?! I am serious; this candy cane I saw today on the bus was a full foot long!!! I mean, it already takes like fifteen minutes to eat a normal sized candy cane- how long can these things possibly take?

And honestly, its not just candy canes that this "lets make it so big it has its own gravitational pull" trend is affecting- IT'S EVERYTHING! Seriously; have you SEEN the "small" McDonald's meals lately? And TV's... I mean, the average screen is
, like, 42 inches wide. It seems America is determined to Supersize everything that is bad for us, then complain about how its so weird that everyone's getting fat.

"New research has led scientists to believe recent obesity in Americans has something to do with water contamination."

Oh, well now, that explains everything, doesn't it?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Random Beginning

Trendsetter- a person or thing who establishes a new trend or fashion.

If truth be told, no, I am not a trendsetter. The complete opposite, quite frankly. I tend to ignore trends altogether. Who needs to fit in? People who fit in are boring. People who fit in aren't super amazing. People who fit in aren't RANDOM.

Strangely, however, I am rather fascinated by this new trend called "blogging". I mean, I knew it was big. A lot of my friends have them. But then my friend Mary Ruth started one, and she is probably one of the few people un-trendier than me. And honestly? Her blog, despite the fact that she has given in to this relatively new trend, is the best one I have ever seen.

So, I decided to make one. But I don't want it to be one of those stupid ones about what happened in my life today. Because I don't think anyone really cares what kind of cookie I had for a snack (chocolate chip), or what grade I got on my latest math test (87). No one but me, that is. So this blog will be dedicated to the wonderfully random stuff I hear and say in my everyday life. Those little snatches of talk make life so much better. Yeah, people may still not care, but at least it will be a place to preserve this kind of useless chit chat that will be entertaining to re-read when I am thirty. So, sit back, strap in, and enjoy the ride, folks.

Life is about to get utterly random.