Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Convention of Genius

Before we get started, I have a few updates regarding past posts. First off, the poll "Do you think it's possible to find the greatest thing since sliced bread?" is now closed, with a grand total of two votes! Wow, you guys. Way to put out some effort. I'm so proud. However, I AM glad to say that I got a few suggestions for the greatest thing since... well, you know. None of them really worked, but I could see you were trying, and that's awesome. Seriously, reader participation makes this blog so much better.

Secondly, we STILL have not found a theme song! I've been told it needs to be something random, like this blog, but other than that, nothing specific... Actually, that's not true. Someone DID recommend particular songs by a particular artist who name escapes me right now, but the link she gave me didn't actually play the music. So, please, suggestions are still welcome, and make sure you give me a link where I can hear the music. I myself have one idea, based off the random thing, so I will post a link to that at the bottom of this post. That's all I've got update-wise, SO...

useless, weak, feeble, hopeless, etc.

The Walking Dictionary's Definition of the Day Award goes to: paper cups!

Yesterday, I got some lunch from McDonald's. They make delicious chicken, even if it IS really bad for you. As I sat in my living room, eating my McNuggets, watching some Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I noticed something as I picked up my cup. There was condensation! As in, wetness! Water! Liquid! All over the coaster!

Now, I realize this tends to happen with EVERY cup. That's why you USE coasters- to prevent the condensation from leaving rings on the table. But this was not your ordinary ring of dampness. Oh, no. This was a PUDDLE. The entire coaster was covered in water! There was no neat, little ring, just a blob!

So, that brings me to the question: WHO thought paper cups were a good idea? Everyone knows that paper+liquid=disaster! Go toss a book in a pool and tell me I'm wrong. (Don't really do that; the book didn't do anything to you, did it, now?) So WHY WHY WHY would you make a cup to hold LIQUIDS in out of the one thing that absolutely can not hold it? It makes as much sense as making a jacket out of snowballs; it just doesn't work!

I believe it is time for one of my very fun (and lengthy) dialogs!

The Convention of Genius

An annual event, during which all the geniuses in the world gather to discuss urgent matters, argue for no apparent reason, and drink some tea.

Howard Howard: Order! Order! As organizer of this convention, I call you to order! Don't make me use big words now, people! Order!

A quiet falls over the convention. A lecture hall is filled to the brim with geniuses from around the world, all sporting their signature "Hello, My Name is Genius" badges. Howard Howard stands at a podium at the front of the room, and begins to speak.

Howard Howard: Thank you. Hello, and welcome to this year's annual Convention of Genius! I am your host, Dr. Howard Howard, and-

Elliot Tracker: Wait! You have the same first and last name? That's ridiculous!

Howard Howard: (glaring) Just because I am a certified genius does not mean my parents were. Besides, Mr. Tracker, a little birdie told me that you have recently been going by your initials. E.T.? Interesting choice of nickname. (raises eyebrow)

E.T. sits back down in a huff.

Howard Howard: Excellent! Now that we are done discussing our namesakes, let's get down to business, shall we? Right. Are there any volunteers for discussion? Anyone?

Everyone stands up and waves their hands in the air. A chorus of "Ooh, me!" and "Me first, me first!" can be heard throughout the lecture hall. Howard Howard looks briefly bewildered, but shakes it off and picks a random name off the list of geniuses.

Howard Howard: Laurence Luellen?

Lawrence Luellen: Me? Oh, this is my lucky day!

He rushes to the podium and eagerly takes Howard's place. The audience waits breathlessly as shuffles his papers, places them on the podium, and begins talking.

Lawrence Luellen: Greetings, fellow geniuses! My name, as you all know, is Lawrence Luellen, and I have a solution to an age-old problem: what are we to hold our drinks in?

Everyone looks at each other with confused expressions. An awkward silence fills the room, until...

E.T.: Well, we DO have these things called cups. They tend to work very well for holding drinks, seeing as that's what they're made for.

Everyone laughs except for Lawrence, who frowns and shakes his head.

Lawrence Luellen: Yeah, but those cups are made of plastic and such, materials that are difficult and costly to make, right?

E.T.: What world are you living in? Plastic is cheap, and easy to make, clearly demonstrated by the fact that hundreds of thousands of cups are being made from it every day.

The room is filled with laughter again, excepting Lawrence, who is beginning to look very nervous.

Lawrence Luellen: B...But plastic is harmful to the environment!

E.T.: So, what? Are you pitching us an environmentally friendly cup? Recycled, perhaps?

The room laughs again, and Lawrence looks close to tears.

Lawrence Luellen:

Howard Howard: That's enough, E.T. Now, I suggest you let this man finish his discussion kindly or you shall be dismissed from this Convention!

E.T sulks.

Lawrence Luellen: Thank you. As I was saying, plastic is harmful to the environment. What I am proposing is a new type of cup, made of paper, to-

The room bursts into discussion, with shouts of "Paper hurts the environment too, genius!" and "That will never hold water!"

Lawrence Luellen: No, no! See, if you make it in a certain way-

Howard Howard puts his hand on Lawrence's shoulder and looks at him sadly.

Howard Howard: I think it would be best if you just went home, Mr. Luellen.

Lawrence Luellen: Wha- what? But I'm not finished! It's really a good idea!

Howard Howard: I'm sure it is. But the convention is in a stiff mood, and I'm afraid they won't allow you to finish your discussion anyway. Thank you for coming, and I wish you and your... paper cups... the best. I'll have my men escort you out.

Lawrence Luellen: B-but... wait! Wait, please! Give me a chance!

He is dragged away by security guards, still clutching his paper cup in his hand.

Lawrence Luellen: Fine! That's just fine! I'll show you! Paper cups will hit it big, and you'll be sorry! I'LL SHOW YOU!

Everyone watches silently as he is dragged out.

Howard Howard: Who's next?

Wasn't that....sad? I'm happy to say that is NOT a true story, though Lawrence Luellen really IS the inventor of the Dixie cup! See, I'm not afraid to do a little research for my readers! Really, though... PAPER cups? Be looking for a poll based off of this post, located at the bottom of the page. Try to actually vote this time, ok?

Also, don't forget to think up some theme songs! Here's the link to the song I thought of; tell me your thoughts!

The Great Blogzini predicts: Tomorrow night, you shall sneak out of your room to meet up with your secret pet cockatoo.


  1. why didn't i think of that song it's perfect for your theme song

  2. I love regis and kelly!!! The songs alright but i think its too commonly known and i think you need something fasyer and more pop